A mother goes down to the river, kids in tow, to do the weekly washing. While she scrubs the family’s bedsheet on the rocks, the youngsters play cheerfully on the bank making small rafts out of twigs or carving stick figures in the dirt. Suddenly and without warning, a rogue hippopotamus lifts its enormous rump out of the water, backs up, drops its hind-quarters on the terror-stricken children, and quickly swims off.
This tragic scene is unfolding throughout west Africa in the nations bordering the Zambezi River at an increasingly alarming rate. Few families have escaped the heartbreak of losing a child to this epidemic. Dry land hippo attacks were almost unheard of before 2010. However, in just two years, hippo squashings have become the second leading cause of injury in the region for children aged two to six.
Strangely, though, there have been no reports of child squashings near the Nile or the continent’s southern waterways. Scientists and wildlife preservationists assigned to the Zambezi Nature Preserve are at a complete loss to explain the attacks or why the children of the Zambezi have been the only victims. Some suggest that the rump raisings were part of mating rituals and the children were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Others believe that radioactive chemicals may have seeped into the river downstream and are affecting the psychomotor functionality of the hippos’ brains. Still others report that the hippos appear to actually aim their hindquarters at their unsuspecting victims and liken the random attacks to gang initiation rites. All admit, however, that any proffered explanation is pure speculation at this point.
A coalition of governmental officials from the affected west African countries have petitioned the United Nations and the World Bank for $600 million in low interest loans to erect a chain link fence along both banks for the entire length of the river. A U.N. spokesman declined to state whether such a request was likely to be granted, but cautioned that any fence would have to be built at least eight feet from the bank into the river to permit access for bathing and washing. When asked how the hippos would be kept out of the eight foot area between the fence and the bank, the spokesman said, “Of course, the Security Council would adopt a resolution declaring the narrow strip of water a hippo-free zone.” Asked if this would require sending an armed peace-keeping force to monitor the newly declared hippo-free zone, the spokesman refused comment.
Neither the Obama nor Romney campaign would comment on whether the United States should fund the U.N. fence effort or send troops to patrol an east African hippo-free zone. However, other notable Americans from both parties had plenty to say. Responding to international press inquiries, former President George W. Bush explained, “While we don't have hippos in America, ‘cept in zoos of course, we do have a similar problem with gators down there where Jeb is. But everyone knows it’s a matter of personal responsibility. We just don’t take the kids where the gators are. Just like them gators, hippos ain’t no matter for gov'ment involvement, taxpayer dollars, or the military.” Former Vice-President Al Gore, however, blames Bush directly for the deaths of the African children and called the President’s comments “heartless, callous, and cruel.” “Once again, George W. Bush has blamed the innocent and attempted to shift responsibility for the tragic consequences of his administration’s failed policies onto working families who cannot afford child care,” Gore added. “Besides, everyone knows that Global Warming is to blame for this and that George W. Bush is to blame for Global Warming. As the earth’s temperature rises, the water in the Zambezi River heats up causing the hippos' butts to boil. Has your ass ever been on fire, Mr. Bush?” Gore asked. “I’ll bet you’d stick that Texas-sized tucas of yours high in the air too!” Mr. Gore angrily rebuffed reporters who suggested that Global Warming was not a plausible explanation because the hippos in the Nile and the rest of the African continent were not sticking their rumps out of the water or squashing children. “You people are so stupid,” shouted Gore. “When are you ever going to learn that I am smarter than you are. Like, duh, the hole in the ozone layer is like right over the Zambezi. It hasn’t spread to the Nile yet.”
In the meantime, villagers may want to try what Mrs. Tashwananeebhkotu of Gillansharp Township does. “When we get to the river, I sprinkle salt on each child’s head and then throw a lime over my shoulder into the water. Not one my young’uns has been squashed or so much as skinn’t their knee.”
